Ari contemplates leaving the Truth Seekers
In the battle with the deepspawn Ariessus was almost killed. She did end up with a serious case of pneumonia, laid up at Laila's place for several weeks. During this time she became rather depressed. This is an account (written by Ari's player) of what was going through Ari's head at the time.
Ari lays in bed in the cold room Laila sent her to. Her cough is persistent and annoying. Being sick is one thing Ari can not tolerate. Being a cleric she should be able to keep herself from becoming ill, or at the very least heal herself she thinks. Perhaps when she knows as much as Laila does, if she can ever be that wise in the ways of healing that is, then she'll not have to worry about nagging coughs, aching joints and these damnable bruises.
"It's no use K'harn. I just can not rest. We have been here but a few days, yet I already long to be back underground. My people are at war and I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel anymore I think." She sits up, climbs out of bed and crosses the room to light a lamp. Rummaging through her things she comes up with the scroll case holding her diary. "Perhaps if I write I will be able to make sense of my jumbled thoughts. It has been a long while since I have written anything." Snuggling back under the covers with a sleepy kitten, Ari gets ready to put quill to parchment. Staring at the page, her mind suddenly goes blank.
"Well this is a fine thing isn't it? I walked all the way across the room to get this and I can't think of a thing to write." A small huff of breath escapes. "I suppose I can write what I just said as a way of getting started. Perhaps it will trigger something.
Ari puts quill to parchment and writes:
It's been a long while since I have written anything here. So much has happened. I am fighting a case of pneumonia and am laid up for a few days so that the healing process can take hold. Thinking that I have neglected my diary I decided to put thoughts and feelings into words. However after I retrieved the ink, quill and parchment I found I was at a loss as to what to write. But now that I have started it seems my fingers have taken on a mind of their own. I find that I wish to write about Beleg and Keriana. About being in the underdark again. What I do not want to write about, but what is upper most in my mind is the war that is going on. Drow have gone to war and many of the inhabitants of Jurgenville have gone to fight them. My feelings on this are so confused. I gave up the ways of evil after seeing what it did to my family and yet, and yet, the drow in me yearns to be a part of their war. To be with my people but it is so wrong. I know this. What they are fighting for is what I stand against. So why do I want to be a part of the drow uprising? Does my dark heart yearn to be free? To break the bonds I have placed upon it? Or do I miss my people so much that even being part of something like war is pulling me to them? Here on the surface people see me and revile me. They automatically think the worst and they don't even know me. Below the surface was no better though. I met a woman who ran away screaming as soon as she saw my face. To be drow and cut off from my people is killing me slowly. For awhile I thought that I could handle it. I had Beleg by my side, each day telling me how beautiful I was to him, how much he loved me. But now he is gone, taken from me. There is no one know that I can turn to, to tell them what I am feeling, to boost my flagging spirits. Keriana is gone as well.
Ari stops writing when a tear splashes her page. Wiping it from her cheek, she closes her eyes and must take a deep breath before continuing.
Tears fall from my eyes as I write this. I think I'm starting to feel pity for myself. It's a terrible feeling, and a trap I will not let myself fall into. Pity is for the weak and whatever else I may be, I am not weak. My love has gone as well as my best friend. The loss will make me stronger. I have decided to let no one else into this fragile heart. That way it will become strong. If there is no one to care for then there is no one to hurt me. Those that call themselves The Truth Seekers will have to fend for themselves. I have given them all that I have and it is has not been returned. If this make me selfish then so be it.
She stops to reread what she has written thus far.
I have just reread this page. I will blame these silly ramblings on this sickness that has overcome me. But being able to put my feelings down upon paper has made me feel much better. I still yearn to be with my own people, but not with them in war. It is wrong what they do and I can only hope the drow nation comes to it's senses.
Ari lays the diary on the floor. "Tomorrow perhaps I'll write more. About Beleg and Keri and all that has happened to me. I did intend this diary to be a record of my life, something to pass down to my children. If I put nothing of my adventures into to it...Go to sleep you silly drow. Or better yet, meditate.
Suiting actions to words, Ari closes her eyes and lets herself slip into her meditation. She asks for Corellon's forgiveness for even thinking of wanting to join the drow in their war. Then she lets her mind follow its regular pathways to find the peace that she knows is waiting for her as she gives herself over to her deity.
When that peace is attained, Ari allows her tired and aching body to slip into reverie.